Stage forms this act uses in the library, and how often.
One performer insists his partner took off his jacket exactly like a rakugo storyteller slipping off a kimono jacket.
Culture note Rakugo storytellers traditionally take off their haori jacket when they move from the opening chat into the main story.
Really?
Textbook本当ですか。Kansai "ほんま" is "本当", so "ほんまに" = "本当に". Said alone with rising intonation it means "Really?", with no "ですか".
Two comedians joke that most performers on today's show are part-timers, and that people paid money to come watch them.
After all...
Textbookやはり……。'やはり' (after all) becomes 'やっぱり' in speech and is clipped further to 'やっぱ'; here it opens the thought continued in the next line.
One performer says their turn came fast because everyone ahead of them in line was bald.
Can you please just stop already?!
Textbookもうやめてくれませんか。Kansai 「へん」 replaces the negative 「ない」: 「くれない」→「くれへん」. With 「かなー」 it becomes an exasperated 'won't you just…?'
One performer claims cows have gone extinct because Japanese people eat beef too fast; the other insists cow farming keeps up fine.
No, the stuff we're eating is actually, like, cow-ish stuff.
Textbookいいえ、私たちが食べているものは、実は牛のようなものなんです。「牛のようなもの」 became 「牛っぽいやつ」: noun + 「っぽい」 replaces 「のような」, and casual 「やつ」 replaces 「もの」. Also 「食べている」→「食べてる」.
Two performers argue about a strange moving object in the sky: one says it was a UFO, the other says a conductor.
No, there isn't, there isn't, there isn't.
Textbookいいえ、いません、いません、いません。「おらん」 = 「おる」 (= 「いる」) + Kansai negative 「ん」 (= 「ない」); the polite textbook form is 「いません」.