〜はずがありません → 〜わけない

In a panic, one performer tells the other to just stay there and smoke one last cigarette.

1. 0:00俺もマイナスにしようとしないで!≈ unclear audioDon't try to drag me down too!
2. 0:02やめて!Stop!
3. 0:03やめてやめて!Stop, stop!
4. 0:04やめてやめて!Stop, stop!
5. 0:05話せって!≈ unclear audioprobably 離せって!I said let go!
6. 0:06お前まえそこで最後さいごの1本ぽん吸すってろ!You just stay there and smoke your last cigarette!
7. 0:08吸すえるわけないだろこの状況じょうきょうで!No way I can smoke in this situation!
8. 0:09俺、いいからやめろって!≈ unclear audioJust stop it already!

A detective explains why one suspect in a murder case cannot be the killer.

1. 0:00言いえませんそれにあなたには絶対ぜったいに犯人はんにんではないI can't say. Besides, in your case, the fact that you're definitely not the culprit
2. 0:04ことを指し示す決定的な証拠がある それはあなたが引っ込み事案だということ≈ unclear audioprobably ことを指し示す決定的な証拠がある それはあなたが引っ込み思案だということis backed by decisive evidence: the fact that you're painfully shy.
3. 0:11です 引っ込み事案の人間が殺害を実行≈ unclear audioprobably です 引っ込み思案の人間が殺害を実行A painfully shy person actually carrying out
4. 0:16に移うつせるわけがないしかしa murder? There's no way. However…

A realtor who only handles homes where someone died shows a customer a property where strange noises are heard, then asks if they like it.

Culture note A "jiko bukken" is a home where someone died, often seen as haunted, and Chibi Maruko-chan is a classic Japanese family cartoon.

1. 0:00ママがたったたらり出せる≈ unclear audio[unclear noises]
2. 0:03あられパッとかりんなかうくん≈ unclear audio[unclear noises]
3. 0:08おいちびまる子こちゃんみたいな音おと出だすなよおいHey, quit making Chibi Maruko-chan sounds!
4. 0:11こちらの物件ぶっけん気きに入はいってくださいましたかSo, have you taken a liking to this property?
5. 0:13いや気けに入はいるわけないだろうがNo, there's no way I'd like it!
6. 0:15じゃあ家具かぐ家電かでんもお付つけいたしますのでThen we'll throw in the furniture and appliances too.
7. 0:17そんなんじゃすまないThat's not gonna cut it.

In a courtroom sketch, one side claims Mariama-san's old high-school gag matters and asks for it to be performed right there.

Culture note An 'ippatsu gag' is a short one-shot gag or catchphrase, a staple of Japanese comedy.

1. 0:00感情かんじょう論ろんだなあThat's just an emotional argument.
2. 0:01マリアマさんは高校の野球部時代に物質を賑やかしていたある一発ギャグがあります≈ unclear audioprobably マリアマさんには高校の野球部時代に部室を賑わせていたある一発ギャグがありますBack on the high school baseball team, Mariama-san had a one-shot gag that livened up the club room.
3. 0:08本当ほんとうに関係かんけいないなThat really has nothing to do with it.
4. 0:09マリアマさん今いまこちらでそれを証明しょうめいしていただけませんかMariama-san, could you demonstrate it for us here, now?
5. 0:13やるわけないだろなNo way I'm doing that!
6. 0:14いや本当ほんとうにこれ無駄むだに関係かんけいしてくるんですNo, really, this ends up being weirdly relevant.
7. 0:16いや関係かんけいしてなかったらちゃんとしたの出だしてくれWell, if it's not relevant, bring out something proper!

One performer insists they're not just a customer of a host, since the host always calls them 'princess.'

Culture note At host clubs, male hosts entertain paying female customers and flatter them, for example by calling them 'princess.'

1. 0:00違ちがうよ私わたしは客きゃくじゃないよNo, I'm not a customer.
2. 0:04だっていつも姫ひめって呼よんでくれてるしI mean, he always calls me 'princess.'
3. 0:07え?Huh?
4. 0:09ホストはお客きゃくのこと全員ぜんいん姫ひめって呼よんでるってHosts call every customer 'princess,' you know.
5. 0:14そんなわけないじゃないNo way, that can't be true!
6. 0:15そんなこと言う≈ unclear audioHow can you say that?

Two people argue about how fast termites can eat, and one says the other is underestimating termites.

1. 0:00それは数によるから、いっぱい言えばいっぱい食べれるし≈ unclear audioprobably それは数によるから、いっぱいいればいっぱい食べれるしIt depends on how many there are. If there's a lot of them, they can eat a lot.
2. 0:03こんなことで揉もめたくないなI don't want to fight over something like this.
3. 0:05大人おとなが揉もめるような内容ないようじゃねえだろこれThis isn't something grown-ups should be fighting about.
4. 0:08なんでそんな熱あつくなってんだろWhy are you getting so worked up?
5. 0:09だって白愛のことすんごい舐めてくるから≈ unclear audioprobably だってシロアリのことすんごい舐めてくるからBecause you're totally underestimating termites.
6. 0:11舐なめてるわけじゃないけどさIt's not that I'm underestimating them, but...
7. 0:13スピードで言いったら遅おそいでしょって言いってんだよI'm just saying they're slow when it comes to speed.
8. 0:15じゃあ実際じっさいに実験じっけんしましょうよThen let's actually test it.